Vermont Attorney General Charity Clark has declared by para-executive order anyone who can provide video evidence they have vandalized a Tesla will be given a $50,000 voucher toward the vehicle of their choice redeemable at any dealership in the state to celebrate National Tesla Vandals Day. National Tesla Vandals Day won out over other popular suggestions like National Tesla Vandals Visibility Day and National Nazi Logo-A-Tesla Day.
Critics of the order include both the Lt. Governor John Rodgers and Governor Phil Scott, both car owners and drivers of common sense, who cite the state’s already heavily burdened fiscal situation as well as the fact no such thing as a para-executive order exists legally in Vermont.
However don’t tell that to Clark who is taking her cues from judges around the U.S. who similarly are declaring themselves Mr. and Mrs. Bossypants as they continue to rule against the democratically elected president Donald Trump for such things as deporting violent illegal migrants to Ecuador without a permission slip from a lower court judge.
“Saving the world from climate change is going to have to take a backseat until we progressives can rescue us from the new greatest existential threat to humanity – Elon Musk,” Clark stated at a Zoom press conference she held over the weekend.
The founder and maker of Tesla, a company made famous for developing climate friendly electronic vehicles, has run afoul of generation extinction rebellion who have set out to make America safe again from fascists. Musk is the newest and deadliest breed of fascist who believes in smaller, more efficient government without incestuous ties to corporations, which is a departure from traditional fascism which calls for a massive government apparatus paired to an equally massive corporate structure in the name of nationalism. This new strain of fascism is known as trans-fascism where one is not traditionally fascist yet identified by communists as fascist thus adding a big F to LGBTQ++ making it LGBTQ++F if you’re doing the meth at home. This will require a new rendering of the LGBTQ++ flag which is slated to be released June 1st to celebrate Flag Month.
It seems Musk can do no right as he replaces Donald Trump as public enemy number one. Not long ago Musk was a darling of the climate changers who bought his electronic vehicles religiously which catapulted Tesla stock and Musk to becoming one of the wealthiest men in the world. So wealthy in fact he decided to start making fossil fuel powered rockets hoping to one day colonize Mars, which the left also supports unironically given their deep hatred of Earthlings. Not even rescuing astronauts stranded in outer space could appease the lunatic fringe who have set upon Tesla dealerships around the country setting fire to cars, stealing their wheels and hand carving swastikas in them with the zeal of a mostly peaceful Bolshevik revolution. Also one astronaut was male and the other female which represent the oppressive biological binary and thus a no-no if you want the left to rescue you from being stranded in space.
Concerns that Clark’s generous offer could bankrupt the state have emerged now that video evidence of boomer after boomer is doing their part to live out the spirit of the 60s all over the technocracy. In New Hampshire Jim Pelis, a regional sales director for Armorcode, took his fair share of abuse out on Kerri Pouliot’s cyber truck parked mere feet from the site of the making of the International Monetary Fund, the Brettonwood’s Hotel, which has never been threatened by vandals or arson despite hosting the creation of a global financial dictatorship. The $50,000 reward from Clark will offset Pelis’ bail currently set at the same amount.
Clark, convicted by her Christian name to be generous with her fellow man, has even accepted the work of a Rutland man who filmed himself being filmed by a Tesla as he covered it with an Elon Musk’s Roman salute sticker.
However, not all qualify for the stipend, as one unlucky Cuban man found out after submitting his video, only to learn the money has been earmarked for this year only, which he will not be able to collect as he will be in prison.
Another unlucky hopeful produced his finest “FU” artwork in a parking lot in Tyler, Texas where he was immediately shot to death by multiple locals, so he too will be unable to collect any winnings.
One man was so enthused to deface a Tesla his ride got tired of waiting for him and decided to leave the scene of the crime, which would be a felony were someone to have been driving it.
Also not qualified to collect winnings are the unlucky youth of Canada who sense they might be the last generation on the planet so what better way to spend it than by filming your activism for all the world to not remember you by.
The good news is, even if you fail to qualify for Vermont’s reward program, many protestors are still being paid by billionaire’s to stand outside dealerships holding rudimentary drawn signs protesting other billionaire’s.
In other good news, our good friend Guy Page, editor of the Vermont Daily Chronicle, has bravely joined this act of solidarity against tyranny and stupid liberal vehicles (pictured next to his handiwork) and will be using his check to finally pay Johnny Bananas for his tireless work in owning the libs. Thanks Guy.
Lastly, Burlington mayor Emma Mulvaney-Stanak will be giving AG Clark the Key to the City later this week after which she will use it to key as many Teslas as she can before arresting herself then letting herself go without charges because it turns out the machine we were all told to rage against is a Tesla.
The Secretary of State’s office has listed a helpful map of Tesla owners in the state. VDC has summarized the hot spots to include Norwich, Quechee, Stowe, Bennington, Montpelier and Burlington.
Also, as a reminder, today is April Fool’s Day however when you’re a leftist it can be any day of the year.
