Few things have divided our nation of late like our relationship to Israel, the war in Iran, the Rocky Mountains, and who killed Charlie Kirk. Many on the internet are not buying the official narrative that a college dropout with a 4.0 gpa somehow managed to ascend the roof of the Utah Valley University (UVU) Losee building without detection, plop down his paw-paws ancient .30-06 hunting rifle and fire off the shot of a life-time hitting the national icon in his neck before sprinting away, jumping some fifteen feet to the ground and sauntering off like Keyser Soze into the nearby woods where he reassembled the rifle and wrapped it in a Downy fresh towel so as to keep trained explosive detecting dogs from finding it.
It was the perfect crime and, like OJ, surprisingly easy to swallow.
However, since the tragic event on that day, a certain mob of unruly investigators led by serial conspiracy theorist and Anti-Semite Of the Year for 2024, Candace Owens, have been accused of noticing things that, in polite society, are simply unacceptable. In particular, they have taken issue with Charlie’s now widowed bride Erika Kirk for what appears to be some of the most unique grieving ever repeatedly filmed and uploaded to social media. One person going as far as to accuse Miss Kirk of being paid by Big Kleenex, while also wondering which brand of mascara she uses given that it, like a politician without a past, refuses to run.
This same band of ne’er-do-wells has compared the Kirk assassination to JFK’s. The commonalities they claim include:
- Inexplicable changes to JFK’s parade route and Kirk’s speaking location
- Weirdly compromised security for each location
- Lone gunmen both lacking serious marksmanship training
- Nearly impossible shots
- Physics-defying head movements despite the purported angles of each shot
- Obvious cover-up of the crime scenes
- Magic bullet and miracle neck bones needed to explain each “official narrative”
The brouhaha over these discrepancies has caused many to question everything and everyone with a fine-combed tooth. Even the most grievingest of grieving widows in Erika Kirk. Or as one of her defenders, Dana Loesch reminded her detractors, “THE WIDOW”, goddamit.
Others have compared Erika’s response to her husband’s death to that of similar notable women of great men who lost them to public assassinations, such as JFK’s wife Jacqueline Onassis, MLK’s wife Coretta Scott King, and even as far back as Mary Todd Lincoln, who after her husband and 16th president Honest Abe was shot, was caught lying about having previous boyfriends and a life of partying among the socialites in the big city of Peoria, Illionois.
Historians diligently documented the lives and times of these great women and the resolve it took for them to walk this cruel world with grace and dignity. Just as historians all historicize differently, widows all grieve differently. Luckily, a few lesser-known historians were able to capture the tales of the often incongruent behaviors of women clearly still in the throes of sadness and shock at the loss of the loves of their lives.
Jackie O famously refused to take off her blood soaked clothing for the memorial of her husband as a way of reminding the world what happened. She of course took a moment to publicly forgive Lee Harvey Oswald as she looked up to the Heavens, eyes full of tears, only to never be able to do so face to face as Jack Ruby, a first-wave feminist and owner of a local titty-bar, decided to honor her by shooting Oswald dead in cold-blood.
Still in circulation are the famous pictures of her and her children standing there, honoring their slain father in his casket. However, a lesser known close up of her, from her good side, crying over the casket, wearing several of the rings she had bribed out of JFK after she’d caught him sleeping around, can still be found. What incredible strength that must have taken.
Also lesser known to most American’s is the time Jackie held a fundraiser for what would become the Kennedy Center, where she allowed people to take pictures of themselves in the car where JFK was shot. These reasonably priced limited edition photos can still be found for sale online on both Ebay and Etsy for a tidy sum. Jackie was overheard at a luncheon just days after exclaiming they had pulled off the “event of the century” and thanked her staff for the sweet cards they had sent her before announcing they had raised “over $250,000”, some of which is believed to have bought her a new wardrobe, for obvious reasons.
Not to be outdone was Miss Coretta Scott King who, despite still stinging from the loss of her freedom fighting husband, managed to put together a block party that saw some 200,000 plus attendees – a number hard to believe but was verified by the CIA with the help of the Mossad who were practicing an early form of geo-fencing known as “surveilling the hood”. Also featured at the block party was a stage where live performances from the likes of Aretha Franklin, who belted out her famous hit “Respect” and Smokey Robinson (no relation to Tyler) serenaded the intelligence agents with “Tears of a Clown”.
Of course good luck getting the online mob to back-off from assaulting Miss Kirk and her idiosyncratic manner of moving on. It’s not easy taking over a gigantic non-profit with young children at home, especially when your dead husband can still be found on X talking about the importance of stay-at-home moms. Or being unable to say no to people like CBS, Fox News, and the White House constantly wanting to make you a news story when all you really want to do is just go home.
After all, there is no place like home.
Rest in peace Charlie. Erika’s got this.
Johnny Bananas – The World’s First Truly Professional Fake News Reporter
