Vermont Secretary of State Jim Condos has been looking at the data and crunching the numbers and is excited about this year’s mid-term elections.
“We’re ready to take the top spot” beams a confident Condos.
Which spot is that? According to a Heritage Foundation Election Integrity Scorecard Vermont currently ranks 47 out of 51 states (Washington D.C. included) for election integrity.
“Flip that around and we’re the fourth best at delivering fraudulent election results” sounding almost braggadocious as he glances at the signed portrait of Senator Bernie Sanders on his office wall.
“We may not be the Clintons but this little state is ready to kill the competition this year.”
As one of the first states to use Dominion voting machines, Condos felt like Vermont had laid the groundwork for churning out a steady stream of unelected elected officials.
“How else do you think we have so many communists…err…progressives in the state legislature?” he asks. It’s a legitimate question with an illegitimate answer. “We cheat like a seventh grader taking a math test next to the Asian kid, duh!”
Still, the fact remains there is much heavy lifting to do before taking over the number one spot. When asked what he plans to do differently this year he marshal his desk with the seriousness of a military general.
“We’ve been studying lots of tapes thanks to D’nesh D’souza’s movie (2,000 Mules). We made the mistake of giving everyone an Obama phone but forgot to tell them to turn their location feature off. We’ve fixed that.”
“Vermont has the highest percentage of people with multiple-personality disorder, so we believe it’s fair if each personality gets a ballot. We also have a growing transgender population who will be getting a ballot for each of their genders until they’ve picked one, to avoid discrimination. We’re also going to be stuffing the ballot boxes like a Thanksgiving Day turkey.”
When asked about the notoriously slow and error-prone postal workers in the state he assures us as government employees they are nearly all registered Democrats or Progressive or Green Party and can be trusted to show up and work hard for at least this one week out of the year.
“If you’re going to be number one you have to step in a little number two, you know what I’m saying?”
Mr. Condos is full of pithy aphorisms, among other things.
These utterly reasonable conclusions and clear-thinking strategies are why Condos has been able to re-elect himself since 2011. After discussing the failures and successes of 2020 he reminds us of his favorite saying.
“It was the most fair and secure election in history,” he says smiling widely and winking into the camera.
Which he reminds us, coming from the soon-to-be top state for election fraud, is just a dog whistle to his supporters that they’re ready to be top dogs this time around.
