Investigative journalists are dropping like a congressional aide’s pants across the U.S. as main stream media lays-off thousands.
Fake news powerhouse the L.A. Times has nearly emptied its Washington D.C. bureau just months before what many consider the biggest election year in American history. This shocking move has many of the journalists questioning the real reason behind the mass exodus.
“I had no idea this was coming” a shocked Alexandria Ortega-Churchill bemoaned as she placed her remaining office items into her 100% organic hemp Lululemon grocery tote. Despite being an investigative journalist neither she nor her colleagues had caught wind of the company’s declining readership and ad revenue. Explaining they just wrote the stories they were told to write and preferred to get their news from Tik-tok, the group of journalists admittedly didn’t bother to read their own publication, let alone any of the others forecasting news media’s burgeoning climate change.
Never ones to get off message the rumors of systemic racism as the cause began to circulate among those given their parting papers. “I don’t see too many white people leaving the office, do you?” complained Tykesha Barnes whose most famous piece “Being On-Time Is White Supremacy” won a Poo-lister Prize. Poo-lister Prizes are awarded to journalists whose contribution to the field is considered on par with bathroom tissue.
Also stunned by the news was Washington bureau reporter Tayler Lorentz who appeared inconsolable after hearing her fans would no longer be able to read her feminist opinions. Consistently identifying white men as the problem in society and calling them racist may be popular with her Millennial and Gen Z audiences but not with the old white guys signing her paychecks apparently. A besotted and benighted Lorentz barely managed to Tweet / X an image of her weeping hysterically while holding up her resume.
Speaking of resumes the Vermont Daily Chronicle, despite the national trend of losing journalists, has seen record growth over the last year doubling its number of employees and adding a social media department. It remains atop the list of conservative publications in Vermont thanks in part to having zero competitors. Despite running the risk of anti-trust litigation as a monopoly, Chief Editor In-Chief Guy Page remains undaunted.
“Our readership makes up less than 1% of the state where fewer and fewer people are learning to read, so I’m not that worried about it” a resolute Page told Banana’s Media via a now unlocatable email. Page also informed us he has seen a record number of resumes come in from the sea of jobless journalists recently let go.
“The pool is incredibly wide but not very deep” he noted. When asked whether or not he was able to find any good hires he answered simply “no”. Pressing him to explain why he told us about the key questions he asks potential candidates, such as “Is America a democracy or republic?” “Can you identify fake news from the real thing?” and “Would you put real maple syrup on your pancakes if Aunt Jemima was on the bottle?”
“Most of them are so confused they don’t even bother to answer. If I have any doubt I simply hold up a picture of Donald Trump and note their reaction, which is almost always to flail into a raging conniption fit.” So far not one of the over twelve hundred applicants has received a follow up interview with the cagey editor.
Not wanting to sully his outfit’s reputation by adding infamous purveyors of fake news beyond his lone Truly Professional Fake News Reporter (Johnny Bananas), seems like a sound business decision given the recent trend in avoiding such problematic employees. Page wanted to make clear that, although Mr. Bananas is a regular contributor to the Chronicle, he is not a paid employee.
“I can’t imagine anyone would pay that guy – he just makes things up. Take this article for example” Page commented before rushing off to do real journalism by talking to people even less trustworthy than members of the media, namely members of Vermont’s legislative body.
When asked to respond to his editors comments Mr. Bananas declined stating he was too busy working on unionizing his fellow employees.
