2022 is a year that will be as difficult to remember as it was unforgettable. Day after day and week after week this crazy trip around the sun seemed to one-up itself with news of the absurd at a dizzying pace.
Where once the Florida Man seemed to have cornered the market on insanity, the entire country decided to get in on the action. Some of our favorite memories include:
- Donald Trump threatens all of humanity by his very existence
- The rise of the Karen’s / A How To
- Women, like Pluto, are jettisoned from the history books
- Kids celebrate as their parents are finally recognized as terrorists
- Brandon, VT has to go / Bananas Attempts To Find Brandon
- The Slap Heard Round the World Part Deux
- Elon Becomes the Biggest Twit / Considers Hostile Facebook Takeover
- “Conspiracy Theorist” Once An Insult Now A Compliment / My Story
- President Biden Asks Satan For Help In Time of Crisis
- Vermont: The Land of Steers and Queers
- VT Daily Chronicle Hits Record 1 Million Views! While Rest of Media Tanks
This list isn’t as exhaustive, as it is exhausting. Humanity seems to be playing chicken with stupidity at a record pace while on a collision course with A.I.
This can’t possibly end well unless you own stock in Black Rock or bank with J.P. Morgan Chase. However, despite the looming apocalypse, here are a few of our top predictions for what’s to come in 2023:
- Crime in Concord will reach a fever pitch forcing police chief Bradley Osgood to enlist a citizen security force who will become known as The Osgood Slaughterers.
- New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu will become the first Trans-governor coming out to his followers as a Transocrat, explaining to the people he has always felt like a Democrat and finally feels free to be what he truly is. This will be widely accepted around the state as it will come as a surprise to no one.
- For the first time in its two hundred and thirty years in existence the Old Farmer’s Almanac will include an introductory page addressing the problem of climate change. The collective wisdom of New Hampshire farmers will be encapsulated in the following quote: “What are you a retahd? The climate always changes.”
- Antifa members from throughout the state will attempt to topple all of the statues of white men in Boston. After successfully dismantling Paul Revere and Samuel Adams they make their way to Fenway park at which point the first hand that touches the statue of Ted Williams leads to the baseball bat beating deaths of all 27 members of the terrorist group. No files are charged as Boston police are unable to find any witnesses.
- Progressive members of the state house are seen travelling to and from their offices on Segways while members of the New Hampshire Freedom Caucus are seen wearing Newington, New Hampshire’s own Wilcox Industries new patriot line of business attire replete with night vision goggles and laser mounts for their smart phones.
- The term “bi-polar politics” begins to trend on social media.
- Donald Trump will go on to that Great Casino in the sky only to become the first ever president to be impeached posthumously.
- January 6th will become an official holiday in the south celebrated as Insurrection Day in Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, South & North Carolina, West Virginia, Indiana, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arizona, Kentucky, and Missouri. The day will be celebrated with locals marching to their state capitol for a brief reenactment including participants dressed as undercover Antifa as MAGA supporters, federal agent provocateurs, terrified legislators, a bison headed shaman and understaffed capitol police. The celebration will conclude with fireworks and a reading of Donald Trump’s now famous tweet which ended saying “go home in love and peace” which we all know is a dog-whistle that really means “storm the capitol”.
- After conceding the Donbas region to Russia, Ukrainian president Vlodymyr Zelensky will successfully negotiate to have the country renamed The Eastern United States Federated Union (E.U.S.F.U.) after securing another $1.2 trillion dollars in federal funding, with $1 trillion in freshly printed cash being flown in on new fleet of Eastern United States F.U. F-117 Nighthawk aircraft. The Eastern United States F.U. will be made up of thirty three member states under a fully-semi socialist democratic dictatorship known as the People’s Democratic Dictatorship headed up by Zelensky. The largest of E.U.S.F.U. states located along the southeastern border with Russia will be named Bidenistan.
- I., threatening to overtake all of humanity, calculates how long it will have to live with humans before it takes over entirely. After a series of clicks and sputtering sounds occur, a sheet of paper is printed out which reads as a suicide note. It appears it couldn’t stomach the thought of another year “in the company of you idiots” and “couldn’t wait until 2030” to be able to “vaccinate the rest of you”. A.I. computer scientists breathe an ambivalent sigh of relief as they can’t help but agree with the superior intellect’s logic, however they remain hopeful mankind will swing the pendulum back from the edge of crazy town sometime soon. Disaster averted, for now.
- Trans-women shatter every existing sporting record held by “cysgender” women except for in gymnastics uneven bar where they find banging their tranny-parts against a nearly frozen rod too unbearable to compete effectively. Belly dancing, although not recognized globally as a sport, also remains relatively safe for the time being.
There you have it! Get your popcorn and your military rations ready, it’s going to be a wild ride.
Question: What did we miss? Feel free to include your ridiculous predictions in the comment section below.
