Easter is the day we celebrate to commemorate the greatest moment in human history. A moment that forever insured we could skip around holding little baskets and eat Cadbury eggs without guilt – thank you Jesus!
For the penitent, it also serves as a reminder of the world’s most famous peace-loving carpenter delivering an uncharacteristic jack-slap to Old Scratch and his buddy the Grim Reaper.
For those who would be delivered by this celestial tap-out, we look to this holiest of holidays as an opportunity to refresh our need to be forgiven of our sins (some of us more than others – looking at you Trudeau!). So we asked you the reader to honor the Good Book when it says:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)
Our Catholic brothers and sisters no doubt hear this and think of the calluses forming on their index finger and thumbs from hours of scaling the rosary, but even the Lord says don’t bother, or, more accurately:
And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. (Matthew 6:7)
As Saint Terry, the Terse was wont to remind the flock “Brevity is the brother of silence, and silence is golden, so keep it brief brothers” which is ironic given he could have simply said, “would you just shut up?” I’m still waiting to hear back on my application for sainthood btw. Saint Bananas…has a nice ring to it.
Thankfully many of you take Him at His word when He says Hell is hot and Heaven ain’t overflowing (to paraphrase). So we thank you, our faithful readers, from the bottom of our totally depraved hearts for having the courage to share with us the sins for which you seek forgiveness from the Savior this Easter!
I binge-eat Chik-fil-A and watch Disney after school. (L. Millington, Rutland, VT)
I didn’t waterfall the toilet paper as my husband asked me to just to watch him have a meltdown over it. It was worth it at the time. (K. Caldon, Hanover, NH)
I voted for myself eighteen times. (J. Condos, S. Burlington)
I am deathly afraid of women. One in particular. (B. Sanders, North Hero, VT)
When I signed on for the New World Order I thought it was a menu item at IHOP. (P. Scott, Barre, VT)
I secretly like white people. Well, most of them. (K. Christie, Hartford, VT)
I still pee standing up. (C. Hallquist, Hyde Park, VT)
So do I. (R. Levine, Harrisburg, PA)
I wish I could. (R. Maddow, Cummington, MA)
I had an edible the morning I decided to run the Babylon Bee article instead of Johnny Banana’s Help Wanted piece. I feel terrible about it. (G. Page, Barre, VT)
(Editor’s note: You should feel terrible.)
My real father is part Labrador. (T. Carlson, Boca Grande, FL)
I sometimes wish I could jump out of the Overton Window. (B. Shapiro, Nashville, TN)
I sometimes want to throw my boss out of the Overton Window. (M. Walsh, Nashville, TN)
I was hoping to have Overton Windows installed in my living room, to throw my co-workers out of them. (M. Knowles, Nashville, TN)
I still don’t know what an Overton Window is. (G. Beck, Dallas, TX)
I used Gold Medallion flour to make pancakes last year and they were delicious. (K. Arthur, Norwich, VT)
There are some things we don’t have that you do in fact need. (D. Fraser, Norwich, VT)
I lied about being beaten up by two MAGA hat wearing guys. They were wearing Desantis 2024 hats. (J. Smollet, Chicago, IL)
I didn’t have the courage to bitch slap my wife so I took it out on Chris. (W. Smith, Hollywood, CA)
(Editor’s note: We suspected as much.)
I voted for the sex work bill in case this politician thing doesn’t work out. (B. White, Hartford, VT)
I have fantasized about running Dartmouth students over as I drive through campus more times than I want to admit. (M. Caldon, Hanover, NH)
(Editor’s note: Haven’t we all?)
The laces were not out. (F. Reich, Indianapolis, IN)
No sh*t. (S. Norwood, Puerto Limon, Costa Rica)
I have always played with semi-deflated balls. (T. Brady, Tampa Bay, FL)
I secretly video tape my opponents every chance I get. (B. Belichick, Hingham, MA)
None of us care. Just win baby. (P. Fans, New England, USA)
I have a basement full of Stoli. (C. Sununu, Concord, NH)
I voted for Trump, because Hillary. (M. Gray, Montpelier, VT)
(Editor’s note: Who didn’t.)
Being called “booty-judge” and “The Mayor of South Bend” made me gay. (P. Buttigieg, South Bend, IN)
I didn’t kill myself. (J. Epstein, Manhatten, NY)
Dead men don’t talk. (H. Clinton, Chappaqua, NY)
(Editor’s note: This is satire miss bossypants.)
I think I might be a psychopath. (B. Gates, Seattle, WA)
Me too. (K. Schwabb, Davos, Switzerland)
Me three. (Y.N. Harari, Toronto, Canada)
The moon landing was faked. (E. Musk, Austin, TX)
We know. (V. Putin, Moscow, Russia)
Masks don’t work. Neither do the vaccines. (A. Fauci, Atlanta, GA)
Uh-huh. (America’s Frontline Doctors, The Internet, USA)
Trump won. (J. Biden, Greenville, DE)
Say what? (Seventy-four million Americans, Everywhere, USA)
I am ashamed to say my real last name is Oranges. (J. Bananas, Mt. Madeup, VT)
Man are we glad to get that off our collective chests! Who’s ready to hunt down some eggs?