Jeff Bezos, one of the few people in the world rich enough to be an actual Bond Villain, is stepping down as CEO of Amazon. In today’s announcement, Bezos said he wanted to focus his “attention on new products and early initiatives.”
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No, he’s not giving up his investment ownership majority; that would be crazy. He will continue to be the insanely rich guy who invented a thing that accounts for nearly 40% of all online shopping (and they just reported 100 billion in quarterly sales).
Lockdowns have been good to Amazon. So, Bezos is stretching his wings or something.
“I intend to focus my energies and attention on new products and early initiatives. Andy is well known inside the company and has been at Amazon almost as long as I have,” Bezos said. “He will be an outstanding leader, and he has my full confidence.”
As much as I still tap dance into the office, I’m excited about this transition,” Bezos said, adding that he will focus on “the Day 1 Fund, the Bezos Earth Fund, Blue Origin, The Washington Post, and my other passions.”
Bezos earth fund. I didn’t realize it was for sale. Well, if he buys it, we’ll know to whom we should complain unless he means to buy everyone a crappy wind machine or some of those toxic solar sh*tshows.
I have no clue what the Bezos Earth Fund is or does (I could have looked it up, but guessing is more fun). I have suggestions. Scale-up existing room-temperature carbon capture technology to end the retarded CO2 conversation. When the trees start to die back, everyone will realize it was a BS argument all along.
Better batteries that are not as dangerous or environmentally destructive as lithium, the hypocritical backbone to green energy and tech industries. Nasty stuff. ROugh on the planet at the front and back end.
How about next-gen nuclear power plants and better nuclear waste disposal options. Blue Origins could charge a small fee to take the crap out into space until a launchpad disaster or mid-launch crash over some third-world country like Los Angels County, California. But we will want to take material off-planet if Jeffy is thinking about mining asteroids for precious metals and bringing that back here.
Must have Balance Jeffy-San.
I’m also having a Moon Base Alpha, Space 1999 scenario running through my mind. We’d better call it Space 2099 to be safe. A scientific workspace that is overseen by android Jeff Bezos and his Lizard Zuckerberg.
I know, I prefer the white Persian Bond Villain motif, to be honest. It so fits a man who looks like that and has that much money.
Back on earth, a little closer to our time, Amazon.com, the thing that made him who he is today, will be lead by Andy Jassy, head of Amazon’s cloud-computing unit. His job will be to help Jeff return to being the richest man in the world.
Yes, he was passed by Elon Musk. A guy who not only has enough money to be a Bond villain, but he’s got a much cooler name and his own space exploration company.
It’s become a little space race right here in America between crazy-rich dudes who could both be Bond Villians. What could go wrong?
There’s no James Bond for one.
Correction: The original version of this post had a typo. Amazon accounts for nearly 40% of all online sales not 4%.
