Using Sarbanes’s baseball analogy, the situation facing these nearly 1.4 million health-insurance refugees would be akin to a loyal aficionado receiving the following letter from the Baltimore Orioles:
October 30, 2013
Dear Orioles fan:
It is our duty to inform you that you no longer will be able to sit in the bleachers at Camden Yards. Seats in this section have been cancelled, due to the Essential Spectator Benefits of the Affordable Sports Act (a.k.a. Obamasports).
We encourage you to visit Sports.gov, where you can shop for tickets that comply with these new, federally mandated minimum standards.
For example, you could purchase seats in Section 250. Supporters of ObamaSports have described these as “better seats” rather than the “flimsy seats” that you have occupied. These new seats would be in the shade, instead of in the bright sunshine, where you and your friends and loved ones preferred to sit before Obamasports ejected you from this part of the ballpark. These shaded seats should reduce the risk of your developing wrinkles or contracting skin cancer.
These ASA-compliant seats also are nearer to providers of Maryland crab, Korean barbecue, and other healthy food options at Camden Yards, rather than the low-quality hot dogs and popcorn that were sold near the seats that you used to frequent.
While single-game seats in Section 250 cost $60, as opposed to the $17 that you have been pleased to pay in the bleachers, subsidies might be available to you, if your income qualifies. If not, you will be expected to pay the full price for these tickets out of your own pocket. Rearranging your finances to accommodate these higher expenses should keep you on your toes. This, in fact, is a type of low-impact exercise endorsed by the First Lady’s Let’s Move initiative.
All things considered, Obama and the authors of the Affordable Sports Act are confident that you will be more satisfied with this superior arrangement into which they have steered you. After all, they know that this will be better for you than those inferior bleacher seats in which you clearly suffered for so long.
Good luck navigating Sports.gov. We trust that this website will overcome its early glitches and be fully operational some time before next year’s All-Star Game.
Very truly yours,
Neil Aloise
Vice President of Ticketing and Fan Services
See, we make all the decisions for you – easy peazy! All you have to do is just one thing – pay. And pay, you will
(H/T: The Corner)
