With tongue planted firmly in cheek, I offer this diatribe:
From the desk of the Associated Progressive Press International, [APPI].
Washington, D.C.
In keeping with a more diverse approach to the holiday season, a new Cabinet position has been created; that of The Department of Religious and Social Affairs [DRSA]. The Secretary of this Department will be filled by the President on a rotating basis using various persons from different religious traditions. Christianity will be barred from this position as it is the dominate religion of the land and is, therefore and by its nature, an antagonist and oppressor.
Each person will be required to bring in a list of the holidays that their particular tradition observes to be made official within the United States upon taking the office – all employers will be expected to give all employees time off to celebrate these new mandatory holidays. Every effort must be made by employers to accommodate their employees’ religious holidays, to include reasonable space and time to practice any other rites as deemed necessary by their employees. These hours will be accounted for under the U.S. Department of Labors Family Medical Leave Act for now, until a National Religious Registry Act [NRRA] can be created.
Please note: The FDA has determined that the slaughtering of chickens in various Voodoo rites will require a special permit. Said permit may be acquired at the local extension of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Obviously, no permit is needed in the area of the offering of fruits, vegetables and wines to Mother Earth. They were found to be bio-degradable and safe for the environment.
These different religious traditions will be required study from grammar school on, in the interest of inclusion and acceptance.
As of this notice, Christmas will be removed as a nationally observed holiday (it is only celebrated by 85% of all Americans – big deal)
Thank you.
