Satire.
Reality, as dictated by government?
Smoked any good cigarettes, lately? No, really—have you smoked any GOOD cigarettes lately? If you’re like most smokers I know here in New Hampshire, the honest answer is “no.” While I am not a smoker myself, I admit I do have a bit of sympathy for the plight of those who do. By now many of us have grown accustomed to seeing hapless smokers, thanks to government rules and regulations, huddled outdoors in the elements seeking to gain some small amount of pleasure in the simple act of having a smoke.
It was bad enough to have to watch them relegated to standing in the wind, the rain, and the cold as if being punished. Now, again thanks to the government, it’s even worse, as the damn things don’t even stay lit– even in the absence of foul weather. As Granite State smokers all know, beginning last October, New Hampshire joined several other states in requiring that all cigarettes sold be self-extinguishing or “fire safe.” Such cigarettes are wrapped in special ultra-thin paper with “speed bump” bands that inhibit burning unless a smoker draws in air. What this does is basically require a smoker quickly hyperventilate it down to the butt, or continuously re-light numerous times for a single cigarette.
I don’t know of a single person who smokes that actually thinks this was a good idea. But what the consumer thinks is of no matter to an ever-growing nanny-state government. “But Doug, it will save lives! Why, according to statistics, unattended cigarettes cause somewhere in the neighborhood of seven to eight hundred deaths per year nationally! Surely you care about them?” That may be, but what is that number compared to the total number of persons that do smoke? And of those that do suffer and die from such tragedies, how many will simply find some other way to be careless enough to cause themselves harm? For these, statistically a small percentage of the total group that chooses to smoke cigarettes, we are mandating products that would never be wanted by its consumers, given a choice?
Retailers here in the “Live Free or Die State” that are found to be violating the law face civil fines of up to $1,000 per sale depending on the number of cigarettes sold. Selling products people would choose to buy, given their druthers? VERBOTEN!
When considering the question of the so-called greatest inventions of all time, many people most probably would include Thomas Edison’s incandescent light-bulb. Who can forget learning about the ingenuity and perseverance that this great American put into his work as he set about creating the forerunners of many of the wonderful things we enjoy in our lives today?
Thankfully, today’s schoolchildren will know better. Unlike those of us educated in the “dark ages” of years gone by, they know that Edison’s invention joins the automobile and spray deodorant as being among the biggest scourges planet Earth has ever faced in its battle for survival in the face of global warming. Instead of mindlessly celebrating the evil, maniacal light bulb, today’s youth will rightfully join in its denunciation.
In December, US News and World Report had the simple epitaph, signaling the ignominious end of the once celebrated piece of American history:
“The incandescent light bulb, one of the most venerable inventions of its era but deemed too inefficient for our own, will be phased off the U.S. market beginning in 2012 under the new energy law just approved by Congress.”
Got that? The US government has made light bulbs illegal. VERBOTEN!
The 1983 movie “National Lampoon’s Vacation” with Chevy Chase featured an unforgettable automobile called the “Wagonqueen Family Truckster.” The Wikipedia tells us that the movie’s
producers and actors deliberately designed it as an absolutely ridiculous and disgusting station wagon. The Truckster featured overdone wood paneling, eight headlights (four on each side in a rectangular cluster),” including “a grille area largely covered by bodywork having only two small openings close to the bumper…
When the latest models of mid-sized trucks and SUV’s hit the market, I couldn’t help but think of the Griswold’s funny looking “Family Truckster” when eying the front-end styling. Why would Ford and Chevy do such a thing? In our era of streamlined design and manufacturing capabilities, why would the automakers seemingly step back to another time when big and boxy was all the rage? And then of course, it hit me—no consumer-driven company would ever do such a thing on its own. The only way any company would ever make such a move is if the government somehow FORCED them into it, which is exactly what happened.
A January 2003 New York Times piece had the story of what was to come:
“Federal auto regulators, worried about the dangers posed by sport utility vehicles and pickup trucks, may propose new safety standards that would force substantial design and equipment changes in passenger vehicles, according to officials involved in the matter.”
“Proposals under consideration by a working group at the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration would require many sport utilities and pickups to be redesigned to make them less likely to plow over the hoods and door sills of cars in collisions.”
Hence, the “Family Truckster”. To build a truck to look otherwise is now, you guessed it, VERBOTEN!
America—home of the free? Yeah, right…