Some years ago, a letter was circulated pointing out the waste, abuse, and ludicrousness of federal programs. There were various versions, but here is a condensed one:
Subject: Application to Enter the “Not Raising Hogs” Industry
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to express my keen interest in joining the highly esteemed and, I understand, quite lucrative field of not raising hogs.
For years, I have successfully refrained from raising hogs of any breed, size, or temperament. In fact, my property has remained entirely hog-free, and I have maintained a spotless record of zero hog-related activity. I believe this demonstrates my exceptional qualifications for this line of work.
If accepted into the program, I am prepared to continue my diligent efforts in not feeding, not housing, and not marketing hogs. I am also open to expanding my operations to not raising other animals, should such opportunities arise.
Please advise me on the proper forms to complete, the payment schedule for my non-efforts, and whether there are any government-approved breeds of hogs I should specifically avoid not raising.
In the spirit of the above letter, I want to get into the Not Having Any Children at My Daycare Business:
Dear Congressman:
I am thinking about getting into the Not Having Any Children at My Daycare business. Unlike our Somalian friends and fellow Americans who are in the business, I am not asking for much, maybe $1 million a year for not having 100 children at my business. This modest request isn’t meant to be critical of my fellow American Somali Not Having Children at Daycare colleagues. I can only imagine how much it costs to recruit, train, and fund private militias in Somalia.
While the funds that I hope to get won’t be used for daycare purposes, I pledge to spend the funds supporting local businesses which I know you care about so much. And unlike my Somalian colleagues, not that I am passing judgement on them, I pledge not to support Sharia Law. I cannot possibly get my wife to wear a burka.
May I hear from you?
Sincerely,
Your faithful constituent
P.S. I may get into the “Learing Center” business as well, but I need to do a little more research to see just what is a “Learing” Center.
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