I have no idea why these things pop into my head to the tune of Rawhide, but they do. In April of last year, I had a similar epiphany. An inspired opportunity to make fun of the grooming cult that had decided it was time to come out of the closet.
“…, per the headline, my rarely idle mind coughed up the theme to Rawhide this morning (for no reason), and things started clicking. Movin’ sounds like groomin.’ Rawhide sounds like Gay Pride.”
Groomin,’ Groomin, Groomin’,
Groomin,’ Groomin, Groomin’,
Groomin,’ Groomin, Groomin’,
Groomin,’ Groomin, Groomin’,
Gay Pride!Keep Groomin,’ Groomin, Groomin’,
Disney’s Gay Cartoonin’
Keep them teachers Groomin, GayPride!We’ll get help from the unions,
School Boards are all tuned in,Hide that curr-ic-ulum, Gay Pride!,
Cuz’ Johnny won’t need that penis
At school we call him Venus
So what if he commits suicide!
This time, the inspiration was less controversial unless you’re gassed up about lawnmower emissions melting polar bears. Between the schedule of my life and the persistent precipitation we’ve enjoyed, I have been unable to mow my lawn for a few weeks. Looking out the bathroom window, I could see my grass had grown tall enough to go to seed.
I’m not a lawn guy. I don’t care what’s green as long as it is. One side of my yard is well-manicured horsetail that looks like ‘lawn’ when short, and it’s green. It tolerates heat and drought, rain or flooding, and beats the other weeds back. And as long as it doesn’t get long enough to look like its name, I’m good. But tall grass has other downsides: ticks, mosquitos, and dew.
While we’ve seen very few ticks this year, some of those little bastards climb up that tall grass and hitch a ride when you walk past. Mosquitos also like to sit on tall grass and, as you wander, sneak up and stab you. I have a skeeter racket and enjoy listening to them snap as the scent of roasted insects permeates the air, but I’m not Ash Ketchum. I’m not gonna catch ’em all. With shorter grass, there are fewer targets on which to practice my backhand.
Then there’s the dew. With short grass, the dew collects on the souls of your boots. With tall grass, dew soaks your pants or your legs, and after 15 minutes, the dog is good and wet. I don’t mind wet dogs, but I live with my lovely wife and a few adult-aged children to whom I was clearly too kind, or they’d have fled the intolerant tyranny of which I am so often accused. They don’t care for wet dog, so this adds a toweling-off event after the morning euphemism.
We don’t want to do the dew, and no, the rain does not help.
You also run out of dry shoes after a few too many trips over successive days, and winter boots in June with shorts and no socks are what you expect to see in those carousels of “found at Wal-Mart” pics.
Yes, I was thinking about mowing, and for reasons I (again) can’t explain, this popped into my head fully formed.
Mowing Mowing Mowing
Keep that mower going
Keep that grass from growing
Too High!
I did not labor to complete the song as with “Gay Pride!” above, but I don’t think it would be too tricky if anyone wants to share the writing credit, assuming someone doesn’t already have it – I didn’t look. I might have heard it 30 years ago (or at some point in between) and was reminded by the view out my bathroom window. But I liked it. And since I’m in that mood, not long after the Gay Pride Rawhide gag (that sounds edgy), I came up with more ridicule using Groovin’ by the Young Rascals, but after readers suggested I’d ruined Rawhide for them, I was reluctant to release it. I’ve decided, what the heck?
It’s not the whole song.
Groomin’ on a School Day Afternoon
I couldn’t make you gay too soon.
I can’t imagine anything that’s better.
The world is ours whenever we’re together
There ain’t a place I’d like to be instead of
Groomin’ in a school classroom
Doing anything I can to you
There are always lots of games that we can play
You can be anyone as long as its gay
And all those happy people we could meet
Just groomin’ on a weekday afternoon
It needs work, but I did manage to get most of the lawn mowed before it started raining again, so there’s that.
