The New York Times published a list of “27 Ways to be a Modern Man”, and it’s a doozy. Taking a quick read down the list, I silently thank God that my husband possesses NONE of these traits. (And I hope he never does.)
The traits I’m most thankful for that he doesn’t possess? Number 16, where the Modern Man sleeps closest to the door, so that in the event of a home invasion, he can “TRY to stop an intruder and let his wife ESCAPE”. Too bad he didn’t have that gun that Number 25 states that “he doesn’t want or need”. Maybe instead he used the shoehorn he “seriously considered buying” in Number 18, or hurled uniformly shaped balls of fruit at the intruder with his melon baller mentioned in Number 17?
Number 20 is especially noteworthy: “Occasionally, the modern man is the little spoon. Sometimes when he’s feeling down, he needs an emotional and physical shield.” Of course, the Modern Man “cries, and often”–Number 26–so I’m guessing he’s crying while being spooned by his wife?
Eeew.
You can read the list for yourself, but be forewarned…we’re talking alternate reality stuff here.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
h/t heartiste for the photo