It’s rumored that as of January 1, any resident of the state will have to apply for permission to express ideas about a list of ‘assault topics’ on social media. The initial list of topics is still under construction, but is expected to include statements contradicting ‘settled’ positions on any of the following:
- The results of the 2020 presidential election
- The effectiveness of masks in preventing the spread of COVID-19
- Collateral damage caused by mask mandates
- The validity of emergency powers being exercised by the governor
- Joe Biden’s mental fitness
- Hunter Biden’s innocence
- Anthropogenic climate change
The application process will be similar to filling out Form 4473 when purchasing a firearm. Information about the applicant, along with a statement of the idea to be expressed, will be submitted to the Department of Safety. Upon approval, an alphanumeric code will be returned to the applicant, which will have to be attached to relevant posts on YouTube, Facebook, and other social media platforms. It is estimated that at least 90 percent of these ‘instant checks’ will be completed within 24 hours, and that an appeals process will be in place by the end of 2025.
Eventually, individual state approval processes are expected to be centralized at the federal level, where the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives will have its jurisdiction expanded to include the control of explosive ideas, as well as normal chemical explosives.
At a press conference, the governor expressed the opinion that people who believe that exercising their rights is more important than following his orders need to ‘stop acting like children’.
He continued: ‘When I say that public health trumps everything, I mean everything.’
When asked how requiring people to get permission to say certain things protects public health, the governor explained that public health includes mental health, and noted that many people are suffering from the stress of having to listen to more than one opinion on topics of critical importance. ‘The spread of unapproved ideas is causing as much harm as the spread of the COVID-19 virus itself, and both of those must be halted by any means necessary.’
The governor concluded: ‘You already have to fill out forms to ask the government for permission to buy a gun, or make a living. Why make such a big deal over free speech? We’ll make the process as simple and painless as possible. Just like with other rights, once you’ve had a chance to get used to it, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.’
When asked about whether any fees might be required to obtain a speech permit, the governor declined to comment.
