The Ruskies Did It! Fake News, Satire, And Trump Derangement Syndrome, Oh My! - Granite Grok

The Ruskies Did It! Fake News, Satire, And Trump Derangement Syndrome, Oh My!

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Cold War agents Potrov and Bienko planned Hillary's loss for 70 years!
Cold War agents Potrov and Bienko planned Hillary’s loss for 70 years!
It’s hard to top this Henry Payne masterpiece, but Tim Blair at the Australian Telegraph newspaper managed to put together an Onion-worthy satire claiming that the Russians (Soviets) had planned Hillary’s run and downfall from the earliest days of the cold war, even before Sir Edmund Hillary had conquered Everest…

A few excerpts:

Secret documents recently discovered in a bin behind a Kremlin-district 24-hour cabbage and tobacco store reveal for the first time the devious extent of Russian interference. These plans were decades in the making.

Dearest Dimitri

I am pleased to report that phase one of Operation Cankles is total success! Soviet implantation of stupid American woman resulted in birth today of hefty girl-child destined to be unelectable candidate 70 years from now.

Child is basically just ankles and head, similar to sturdy and hard-working female stock from adored Ilmensky Mountains. In decadent America, nobody will ever vote for such a noble being.

Yours in Soviet solidarity,

Sergei

A few years later;

“How is this for funny? Hillary ran for president of high school and lost to braggart teen with big crazy hair and grabby hands! Is almost like a practice run or something.

Next step is to find university for her. Wellesley is ideal. More communists than all of Soviet Union, except parents drive Cadillacs (sort of like our ZiL, but wheels stay on).”

…..
“It is not to be believed! Hillary is getting married – to a man! You owe me 50 rubles, Dimitri.

The fellow is Bill, called by friends ‘horn dog’, ‘el squeezo’ and ‘the Arkansas assman’. He is very political. All his girlfriends say so. By ‘all his girlfriends’, I mean whole female population of Little Rock. He go through them like great winter purge of traitor generals.”

Finally, on November 8, 2016, Sergei’s long mission comes to a victorious conclusion – on the veteran agent’s 94th birthday:

“Dearest Dimitri,

I know you have been dead ten years already, but I write to you for fondness and memories. Great friend, it is done. All that we have worked for, all that we have planned, all that we have dreamed. Our unelectable candidate was truly unelectable. Even the other patients here in the home did not vote for her. One voted for Eisenhower.”

The complete article in The Telegraph is even funnier….

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