Like the dipsomaniac thirsting for Bourbon, the slakeless in Washington thirst for your retirement savings. And I’m not talking about the highly suspect and mythical Social Security payments that my generation and generations after mine believe are about as real as the “hair” that rests atop Joe Biden’s dome. I’m referring to the plenary savings of your own private retirement accounts, including, but probably not limited to, 401K plans.
Your 401k plan.
Yes, that’s right, since the United States Government has been to the meaning of the title “steward of our nation’s financial stability” what Al Gore has been to the meaning of the title “the most ethical anti-oil environmentalist” after whoring out his convictions for the slippery rewards of the oily squirting nipples of Qatar, the U.S. Government is working on a plan to, ahem, “ensure” your own private retirement accounts, (and by “ensure”, I mean eventually takeover, mismanage, and squander.)
Reported yesterday from the Washington Times:
WASHINGTON, February 3, 2013 ? The $19.4 trillion sitting in personal retirement accounts like the 401K may be too tempting an apple for a government that is quite broke, both monetarily and morally. The U.S. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau director Richard Cordray recently mentioned these accounts in a recent interview, stating “That’s one of the things we’ve been exploring and are interested in, in terms of whether and what authority we have.”
Naturally, they’re not just going to take it, well, not at first and not in the daylight. They’ll wait until you’re lulled into the rhythms of your life or into the vacuity of today’s pop culture before making a move. Either way, you won’t be paying attention until there’s a crises; then they’ll implore you to give up those 401ks and to invest into something more “secure” like that old Lock Box of that other retirement boondoggle that was supposed to be around. Of course nary a mention of that “plan” will be heard for fear that you’ll actually remember what really happened to the Ponzi Scheme known as Social Security.
You know the one. The one with the Lock Box curiously absent of cash, but stuffed to the hilt with IOUs. Which is not really a comfort considering the holder of the IOU’s, is essentially, well, you. Actually your children, probably your grandchildren. And to get at any cash that may be there, it’ll need to be well laundered through the same slakeless bureaucracy I mentioned at the beginning. But, I digress.
More from the Times:
If the government takes control of retirement accounts, it will not be called “nationalization.” There will most likely be an indecipherable document that provides an opt-out option (initially), but why would you want to do that? The US government only wants to ensure the safety of your retirement funds; they did after all create a new bureaucracy for that specific purpose. And what could be a safer investment than US bonds?
What could be a safer investment than US bonds? Well, lots of things since just yesterday it came out that we’re looking to be $26,000,000,000,000 in debt by 2023. I think I prefer to “secure” my investment by securing the financial order of our country for the future, but apparently, that’s not on the menu. Instead, the cocktail du jour is 401k not stirred, shaken. Shaken so hard that all your cash falls from your hands into theirs.