Vicious Dogs

by Rick Olson

“Truth is a good dog; but always beware of barking too close to the heels of an error, lest you get your brains kicked out.”  —Francis Bacon  

“Vicious” Little Dog “Jackson”

In New Hampshire if you are even slightly “nipped” by a dog, you can make a pile of cash! We are not talking about a Pit Bull Terrier or a Rottweiler or a German Shepherd Dog. Nope. We are talking about a 15-pound Jack Russell Terrier. It is of no consequence the injury was only minor….or, non-existent. If a nasty little ankle-biter dog breaks your personal space that is worth thousands of dollars.

It is of no consequence that you entered onto the property of the dog owner without being invited. It is of no consequence that the dog owner posted signs warning about the dog. It is of no consequence that UPS, FEDEX, mail carriers or Meter readers, flagrantly disregard the property owners’ warnings not to enter onto the property if the dog is outside. And,  despite the dog owner’s best efforts to keep the dog  kenneled in anticipated arrival, disregard those warnings. Need cash? Simply stroll on up to a small dog owner’s property and take the nip. Violá! You have just won the lottery!

Your lack of regard for warnings from the owner will never factor as a mitigating circumstance and you are free to soak the property owner for all that your crafty blood-sucking lawyer can get for you.

Besides! Who in the hell in their right mind, keeps a biting dog? What Doofus, knowing the dog bites, lets him live?  Yeah, you know…its a double bind…he is a small dog and a deeply loved family pet? How does an owner tell the kids he is going to do in the family dog? OH well, Screw it….NOT YOUR PROBLEM! you have cash to make, my friend!

The nerve and the gall of some property owners who keep such vicious dogs, regardless of how big or small. But No dog is ever vicious…something or someone made the dog that way. That owner must be some kind of asshole or something…Anyhow, no need to worry about that. Now that you have gotten bit [insert confetti, fanfare and celebratory trumpets] you’re going to Disneyland! Yay!

And here is what else is so really cool about hitting the white-trash low-life lottery! You can be the source of the problem and not get blamed! How friggin’ cool is that? You can abuse animals and nobody is going to hold you accountable. Postal carriers, Garbage Collectors, Meter and Utility Readers sometimes become bored from the monotony of their jobs. Most never abuse animals as a diversion.  However,  some have a good laugh by torturing, teasing, and tormenting small noisy barking dogs. Again, “not my fuggin’ problem, hoss.”

Garbage Collectors have the most fun because they work in twos and threes, so they have an audience for their epic Terrier-torturing performances. Chasing after small dog, stomping your feet, and yelling “Here come the boot beasts, you little bastard!” are sure to bring howls of laughter and cheap entertainment as the terrified little dog flees your pursuit.  And then, “Big fun,” comes with a game of “mouse-trap” (or in this case, “Dog-Trap”). You can score points when a Garbage Collector can successfully chase down a fleeing Terrier and trap him (or her) under a plastic 30-gallon trash can. Its all “high fives” and laughs! Now, how cool is that?

People occasionally throw away lengths of rope. Rope provides added fun if you can lasso the little dog. They always fight, struggle and pull which is just hilarious!  Good sport! Extra points! Real Funny stuff, man.

It’s even funnier when the dog owner comes out his house and spews obscenities at you. You need only give him the finger, knowing that your supervisor will laugh and hang up on him when he reports you.

And if you’re a Mail carrier having a bad day… Perhaps pissed off about Union contract and benefit negotiations, you can take out your personal frustrations with a swift kick to a small dog. (Never kick a big dog because he will likely rip your face off and kill you) Only kick a small dog. Small dogs cannot hurt you so much.

The loud thud, followed by the dog’s yelps will validate you as a skilled place kicker. You can then add some drama into the event by throwing both arms in the air vertically and yelling, “It’s good!”  do a victory dance or feign a crowd roaring.

How about Spartan Fire Drills? The act of hosing down the scruffy little canine with a full can of Halt. And if the little bastard won’t stand still, you chase him down, emptying the can on him, hosing him down from head to toe. After all, your route supervisor will, “Have your back.”

If you are a nut-job loser, door-to-door magazine seller with a screw loose, you too, can join in the fun. When you get to the edge of the property, You can freak out and use your stack of magazines, to  smack the little dog upside the head so hard he goes flying. When the owner comes out of the house, challenge him to a fist fight and threaten to sue him when he calls you a, “Faggot.” When the owner calls the cops, rest assured they won’t respond for three to four hours and you will be long gone by then.

Here is the added bonus! Naturally, The dog becomes nasty, aggressive, hostile, and territorial at the mere sighting of any person in a uniform or a safety vest from all the fun and play time you diligent municipal and delivery professionals have brought. But that is the owner’s problem. Not yours…I mean, you are just having a little fun! And when the dog finally bites, the owner will pay….and will pay dearly.  Life is tough…awwww…[insert mini-violin solo]

You know what is even funnier? This will make you belly-laugh. After the nasty little dog has bitten and all is said and done, the dog owner will have to take the dog to the vet and have it killed via lethal injection. Just imagine the tears and “boo-hoo-ing” from the dog owner’s young children…the sobs…the big crocodile tears. You can laugh about it with your pals over a beer while you think, “Damn, I should have made a YouTube Video of that nasty little dog.

So remember, if you get short on cash or want to make some extra money, just find a home with a small dog. The bite will sting, but there will be no lasting harm. You won’t even miss work and you can make up to $10,000 out of the deal with the right scumbag lying-ass lawyer.

And like the punch line to a joke, the property owner ends up with cancelled homeowners’ insurance, a dead dog, and weeping children. But it’s all just for good laughs! and of course your cash flow….Enjoy!

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  • Mrs. B

    I don’t know what is wrong with Manchester. A known vicious pit bull (who attacked 4 dogs prior, killed another dog and attacked a visiting nurse) can attack my dog, nearly ripping his neck to shreds while the owner stood there and watched. Thousands of dollars in expenses for me not to mention the horror of the attack – and the owner gets a measly $100 fine only because I pressed the issue. And guess what – The beast is still alive and well living two houses from me. And Jack? Euthanized for nipping? Manchester, we have a problem…

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