What Would We Do Without Studies Like These?

Riding in on the heels of the UNH/Hirshberg cow fart research we have other news from the research front of which is just begging to be made fun.

Someone has discovered that oral sex is a gateway drug to intercourse among teenagers. A three-year study determined that teens who have oral sex are more likely to have intercourse than teens who do not. And if you ask the Baptists they will tell you that intercourse leads to dancing, or was that the other way around?

“I see most of the health policies out there and guidelines for preventive services talking about sex generally, but they do not specify oral sex. That is an important distinction because teens don’t consider oral sex to be sex, and many are not aware of the risks involved,” Halpern-Felsher said.

So oral sex leads to intercourse and intercourse leads to unwanted pregnancy.  Who is surprised?  The experts, of course.

We must assume that none of the ‘experts’ was paying much attention to the risks of oral sex on the matter of teen pregnancy, which explains why they needed to do a study–it never occurred to them. What that suggests about the experts is at the very least amusing.  But it also creates one hell of a conundrum. The only way to achieve the stated goal of fewer pregnancies, given the conclusion of this report, would be to suggest that teenagers abstain from oral sex, which to the progressive mind is as difficult as suggesting that Congress and universities abstain from funding stupid research. How do you tell teens to abstain from oral sex when geniuses like Paul Hodes (here and here) and the entire Democrat majority unfunded all the sex education money to teach kids to refrain from actual intercourse?

Such is the brilliant confluence of social engineering and academia. But why stop there?

Thanks to UNH we are also the recipients of some related academic wisdom; continuing to use your cell phone while in class affects your academic performance, and knowing this is not necessarily a deterrent to the activity.

So why we are not funding a study on the effects of oral sex on driving (which we now “know” leads to an increased incidence of intercourse and pregnancy) seeing as everyone knew texting was dangerous but they did it anyway (and still do even though it is now illegal); or perhaps we need a law banning texting in class. Or, better yet–let’s fund a research project relating to the money wasted on research projects whose painfully obvious conclusions never align to suggest that the problem is not oral sex or cell phone use but people of a certain age who engage in behaviors because they are more obsessed with immediate gratification than the complex negative outcomes that behavior might later produce–regardless of the number of well-funded research projects to point this out?

We could pillage the next round of cow-fart funding to pay for it because they have the same goal–a world with not just fewer people, (which the research claims will save the planet) but fewer people who question the thinking behind funding research projects.